Dear McDonald's:

We need to talk. Here's the thing. Your coffee doesn't really suck, and while being sort of a coffee snob, I'm willing to lay down my Arabica guns and occasionally partake of what you have to offer. There are mornings when the line is too long at Starbucks, or I drive by Starbucks swearing to myself that I will survive without coffee today, only to give in three miles down the road as I near your golden arches. On those rough mornings when I know I don't have time to stop at Starbucks, or I at least am not willing to commit to the drive-thru that early on in my commute, and I need to pass through most of the traffic lights, and be within five minutes of my office to know for sure I really have time for coffee, those mornings you seem like such a viable option.  And every so often, there just isn't a "coffee shop" around and let's face it, you are always around.  You have held up sufficiently McDonald's, and I like to think you get me through the tough times.

But, McDonald's, the thing is, you do not.  You make the tough times tougher. Do you want to know why, McDonald's? Do you? It's because on mornings when I just can't get my head on straight by Chase and Oklahoma, when I just can't dig out that extra 75 cents for my beloved Americano, and I turn to you, McDonald's? On those times when I need you the most, YOU LET ME DOWN AGAIN AND AGAIN.

I know you're new to this coffee racket, and I know it's a tough market to compete in. And I know you rarely ever shirk away from tough competition, and you make your nuggets meatier, and you filets fishier, and you McMeals happier. But damn't McDonald's, you've stepped up to the plate in the caffeine world series, and quite frankly, you couldn't suck harder.

Let me clear up a constant misconception of yours McDonald's, that I mistakenly think is a simple concept, but apparently is the hardest F-ing thing in the world to understand. No sugar? It means WITHOUT sugar. It means DO NOT PUT SUGAR or SUGAR SYRUP or SYRUP FLAVORED WITH SUGAR or SUGAR CUBES or GALLONS AND GALLONS OF SUGAR INTO MY CUP OF COFFEE. When I ask for something that is unsweetened, without sugar, with NO sugar, not including sugar, sugar FREE, do not put the sugar into the thing that I am asking for. Please do not also instruct me, occasionally, that you do not sell coffee with no sugar. You sell black coffee. You sell coffee with cream. You sell coffee with cream and sugar. You will notice, McDonald's, that if I order one of those first two options, my coffee will indeed come without sugar. Therefore, I can't help but repeatedly notice, you do indeed sell coffee with no sugar.

You know what else McDonald's? When I am parched, and in need of a cup of coffee, and I politely order a "coffee with cream, and please, please, please, for the love of all that is holy and pure, do not put sugar into my coffee, " DO NOT ASK YOUR MANAGER IF YOU SELL SUGAR FREE COFFEE AND THEN SERVE ME A HAZELNUT COFFEE.  I did not, nor have I ever, requested a hazelnut flavored beverage of any kind.

It seems rather simple, McDonald's. Pouring the coffee into the cup. Adding some cream. You can even put the tiny,plastic cream barrels into my awaiting palm if the problem is you're having a hard time telling cream from sugar. If that's what it takes to make this relationship work, I'm willing to do my part. But I can't help but think that maybe you don't want this to work. Maybe you're happy with my one-night-stand yogurt parfait, or our seasonal orgy during Monopoly month. Maybe this whole "buying coffee three times per week" thing just isn't something you're willing to commit to. I understand that. But please, let's end this now before it gets any more destructive than it already is. Franlkly McDonald's, you and your sweet, sweet, syrupy monstrosity that still sits in my fridge after three sips yesterday, destined for the drain? I've had it with you.  Don't think I won't kick you to the curb harder than a moldy Hot Pocket or a Five Dollar Footlong.

Sincerely,

A Disappointed Coffee Consumer