The other day, after being forcibly evacuated from our home due to a fire at the neighborhood bacon plant a little over a week ago, I stumbled on a handy evacuation checklist in Martha Stewart's Homekeeping Handbook. I was equal parts writing a review of the book for this site, while simultaneously drowning in inferiority, when I stopped marveling at the "How to Fold a Fitted Sheet" lesson, and realized how miserably we had failed during our evacuation. Following, I will share Stewart's list, in comparison to the less efficient Jamrozy/Brown method of emergency evacuation.

Step One (Martha Stewart Housekeeping Handbook Method): Be prepared for emergencies. Keep all important documents in one place, have a disaster preparedness kit, and be sure everyone knows where to meet, away from the home. Remain calm.

Step One (Jamrozy/Brown Method): Fall asleep to, and awake seven hours later to, sounds of sirens in near distance. Assume it is just another typical day in the neighborhood. Return to sleep for thirty minutes. Realize siren sounds are going to interupt sleep efforts for remainder of time in bed, rise, and view giant black mushroom cloud through bedroom window, just over treetops. Panic.

Step Two (MSHHM): Listen to the local radio or television reports to find out if the government has ordered an evacuation.

Step Two (J/BM): Realize as you are throwing on clothes that it may be helpful to turn on the local news. Learn there is an evacuation in place.

Step Three (MSHHM): Wear long-sleeved shirts, long pants, and sturdy shoes during evacuation. (Seriously Martha? Give me a break. Do I need to accessorize too?)

Step Three (J/BM): Run up stairs screaming "Dave we're being evacuated! They're evacuating us! They're evacuating the neighborhood it's the bacon plant burning that's what's burning we're being evacuated!!!" Wait for Dave's slightly more coherenct response. Begin throwing items into bag including, but not limited to, mascara, razor, deoderant, laptop, four magazines, two books, and Starbucks gift card. Slip on flip-flops, and resume panicking.

Step Four (MSHHM): Take your disaster supply kit and your first aid kit with you. Gather essential documents such as social security card, driver's license, and insurance policies.

Step Four (J/BM): Disregard essential documents such as social security card and insurance policies, not realizing it would have made sense to bring those along until a week later. Disregard disaster preparedness and first aid kits because they do not exist.

Step Five (MSHHM): Bring pets with you and go to your pre-designated pet-friendly location.

Step Five (J/BM): Realizing cats should probably be evacuated too, remember of the three pet carriers you own, only one is at this location. Put larger, less other-cat-friendly cat into carrier, load into Dave's vehicle. Carry tiny, frightened, street-savvy cat in arms to other Jamrozy/Brown vehicle, reasoning it is just a short ride to pre-designated pet-friendly location. En route, realize  a) short ride or not, things are not going to work with cat sitting on dashboard over steering wheel, and  b) pre-designated pet-friendly location is not outside of evacuation radius. After short news-related update at now-defunct-pre-designated pet-friendly location, and long-winded discussion over bowls of cereal, smells of smoke, and not being responsible for two adults and three additional cats while Dave is at work and unable to assist with any of this crap, damn't, determine that second pre-designated not-as-pet-friendly location needs to be used.

Step Six (MSHHM): Lock your house.

Step Six (J/BM): Exit house leaving all windows open, reasoning that this may help should there be an explosion. Right?

Step Seven (MSHHM): Use only travel routes specified by local authorities.

Step Seven (J/BM): Sit in parking lot of not-yet-opened-for-the-day pet supply store, with both boxed and loose cats while Dave travels to Target to purchase a second, inadequately sized pet carrier for tiny, frightened, street-savvy cat. Watch giant mushroom cloud several miles away grow larger and blacker. Shove tiny, frightened, street-savvy cat into inadequately sized pet carrier upon Dave's return, and head to gas station to fill empty tank for 1.5 hour ride. Purchase bottles of water to pour on cats' snouts when they begin panting with fear. Bid farewell, wondering  a) how long until, and if, you will ever see one another again and  b)what will he wear to work tomorrow?

Step Eight (MSHHM): Stay alert for down power lines while driving escape route.

Step Eight (J/BM): Begin 1.5 hour trip north to pre-designated not-as-pet-friendly location, with growing anxiety level over distraught, encapsulated felines. Decide that maybe tiny, frightened, street-savvy cat will fare better if the carrier is opened just a smidge, so she can poke her head through. Watch in horror as tiny, frightened, street-savvy cat leaps from carrier toward back of vehicle. Plead with larger, less other-cat-friendly cat to please, please calm down, as he realizes his sibling is freely moving about vehicle. Allow larger, less other-cat-friendly cat to poke his head out of carrier, which he in fact does, for the entire ride, sitting without complaint. Pull to side of road no less than four times during travels to calm tiny, frightened, street-savvy cat and lure her back to the front seat. Plead with her not to cram herself under brake pedal. Watch in delight as tiny, frightened, street-savvy cat slowly enters the carrier of larger, less other-cat-friendly cat, enduring bitings, and settling comfortably into ridiculously cramped carrier with equal delight. Realize all bagged belongings including, but not limited to, mascara, razor, deoderant, laptop, four magazines, two books, and Starbucks gift card have been left in Dave's car, back in Milwaukee. Arrive and remain at pre-designated not-as-pet-friendly location for two days. Create levels of havoc in pre-designated not-as-pet-friendly location the likes of which haven't been seen in nearly a decade, pondering if this, in fact, may  actually be the last straw that has been threatened for nearly 32 years.

Step Nine (MSHHM): Return home once authorities give the "all safe" announcement.

Step Nine (J/BM): Return home shortly after having tiny, frightened, street-savvy cat create such a scene at pre-designated not-as-pet-friendly location that she is encouraged to "return only once pre-designated not-as-pet-friendly location owner has passed on." Return home to still burning bacon plant, openly declaring that any further evacuation order will be blatantly ignored, and furthermore, seriously? My property taxes increased this year? You've got to be kidding me. We live in the constant shadow of a possible bacon-scented explosion, which may or may not include risk of projectile pig parts careening through our windows at any moment of the night or day, and the government is telling me I have to pay more to inhabit this place?

And this, my friends, is the way in which people are driven mad.